Monday, March 30, 2015

Damages

The fish died.

I think it's my fault.

My digestive system is wrecked.

Was it the booze this weekend?

Is it all my fault?

Karma?

Bulimia?

Punishment from on high?

There are 18 piles of laundry.

We should have come back earlier.

Damage.

Damage.

Roughage.

It's good for you, right?

Stupid effing laundry.

Were you expecting meaning?

You came to the wrong existence.

You came to the wrong poem.

In this one people die falling down stairs.

And you get diarrhea for three months.

Death.

Oh death.

Again you came.

Poor Dorothy.

I am pretty sure she was constipated.

And I knew.

And I didn't clean the bowl before we left (it seemed fine, I'm not a complete monster)

Gurgle.

Cramp.

Sorry guys, leftover junk food for dinner again.

Mom's on the toilet.

Spring break colonoscopy!

And this simmering worry of something sinister.

What if I have cancer?

Probably not, right?

Seems unlikely since so many people I know have had it recently. Surely not.

Ha.

As if there's rhyme.

Or reason!

Gurgle. Gurgle.

Cramp. Seizing cramp.

Can you sleep on a blanket?

The sheets still aren't washed.

Dental faxes and taxes.

Nothing waits for chronic illness.

Certainly not my bowels.

What did I eat this time?

Or is the probiotics I keep forgetting?

Damage.

More damage.

We all do damage.

But Piney told Jax that character is how we fix it.

How do I fix it?

How do I fix me?

How do I get all this laundry done?

Off to the bathroom.

Be right back.

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!

I have a self concept of someone who is healthy, strong and flexible. I've always been someone who adjusts to life and goes with the flow. Or at least, I was.

I've been dealing with some health issues for months that are making it clear that my concept of self is changing. And I have a strong notion that my concept of self may be changing forever.

I am sick.

First of all, I have Celiac Disease. I got diagnosed three years ago. It was a huge bummer and a huge relief. I went off gluten and never looked back.

Secondly, something else is wrong. It may be one thing or multiple things, but there is no denying that too many symptoms have overwhelmed me and made it impossible to ignore. I'm fatigued, I've put on 25 pounds or more, I've got chronic lower intestinal distress, and I'm achy all the time. Backaches, hip problems, and headaches. Then there's the anxiety and depression, chronic and cyclical. Fun.

I finally saw the GI again, and we are pursuing answers. In the mean time, I'm off all sorts of foods. No gluten, no dairy, no alcohol, no caffeine, no legumes, and no gaseous veggies like broccoli, Brussels sprouts and cabbage. I am seriously considering going on a complete elimination diet to see if I can figure out how diet is playing into all of my health problems. I have a feeling it has a lot to do with it.

But it makes me want to scream! I don't want to be THAT person. I want to drink beer and eat cheese and just be a normal person. I don't want to have a life-altering diet and not be able to eat out or eat spicy foods (nightshades) or have to be a fucking paleo weirdo. I want to cook Mexican food and sip Whiskey and make amazing homemade ice cream. I want butter on my lobster.

Oh god. Seriously, I just wrote that. Talk about first world problems! Ugh. You see? I am sick.

I don't want to be a complainer or a difficult guest. I don't want people to have to go out of their way for my "special" needs. I want to be easy.

Ha! The truth of that is hitting hard. I care so much about what people think of me! AND, I'm apparently completely judging others who have serious special needs and require help all the time. Ugh. I just hate myself for this.

I spent last Saturday with my friend Bobbi who has been eradicating cancer from her body for the last two years. I went over to help care for her post-reconstruction. And boy does she need help. Food and showers and dressing and getting every little thing. She is forced into relying on others and inconveniencing them in so many ways. Yet, she does it with grace, without apology, without shame or any of the negative associations we have with not being independent and being vulnerable. And we're talking about a fiercely independent woman. As I helped her to shower, I felt all my own conceptions melt away. I too want to be able to accept help and be a "bother" with as much grace and dignity and calm as she has.

This is just the beginning of my journey. I am just beginning to learn. Who I am is just beginning to change. Am I ready to let the party girl die? Am I ready to make my health the center of my life? Am I ready to accept help with grace? Am I ready to admit when I can't do more work? Am I ready to stop judging myself? Am I ready to let all that love from all the amazing people in my life begin to flow in?

Am I ready to change?

Am I ready to change?

Am I ready to change?

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Dangling Modifiers

I'd sell your heart to the junkman baby
For a buck, for a buck
If you're looking for someone
To pull you out of that ditch
You're out of luck, you're out of luck

The ship is sinking
The ship is sinking
The ship is sinking
There's leak, there's leak,
In the boiler room
The poor, the lame, the blind
Who are the ones that we kept in charge?
Killers, thieves, and lawyers

God's away, God's away,
God's away on Business. Business.
God's away, God's away,
God's away on Business. Business.

- Tom Waits

When you turn around and discover there’s no god, it is the most terrifying moment in your life.

It feels as though someone is telling you that you do not, in fact, live on planet Earth. It feels as though your parents are telling you that they picked you out of a cabbage patch. It feels as though everything that you once believed to be true is now untrue.

And you’re partly right.

But you’re immensely wrong also.

But it takes a long time, to get your bearings, to realize you can still breathe, to get through the pain of all the loss - the family and friends who treat you like an alien, those you push away because you just don't know how to think straight with all their words clouding your mind. The greatest losses, if you were once an active believer and practitioner of a faith, are the community and the daily time spent focused on your faith.

Suddenly your sentences are filled with dangling modifiers.

"Having left the woman with no direction, the world was weirdly empty."

Who? Who did what? How?

Nobody.

Nobody did nothing.

The world is just as empty as it ever was.

The obvious elephant, seen only by a far removed eye, is to replace the missing elements. But that is far easier said than done. You can't just replace your community. Well, maybe you can, if you recognize that it is what's missing, know where to go, and have the clarity of mind to do it. Like I said, you can't just go do it. It takes time, and sorting and taking out a whole lot of garbage. And that time you used to spend focused on faith...you do or can sort of replace it. It just feels different and takes getting used to, and it took me years to realize that it needed to be done.

Plus, the truth is, I spent a long time fighting against anything resembling what I had been taught. It wasn't a rebellion like I had been taught to disdain and shun. I wasn't angry at a god. I wasn't fighting a god. I wasn't a backslidden Christian. I was trying to find clarity, to sort through the rubble and figure out what was actually true and what needed tossing out. There was no god to fight. I was rebelling against falsehood.

But, with all that time and space, I got to see that faith I had lost in a whole new way. And one day, as if it happened suddenly, it all just seemed so silly. And I could only see all the damage it has caused, in me, in others, in the world. And it felt like everyone I knew still believed in Santa, and it turned out that it wasn't unbelievers who were crazy, it was believers. It just seemed so absurd. I tried to write about it. But I wrote with anger and out of a place of frustration. I was sick of my voice being treated as childish and pathetic. Of course, my rantings only resulted in a lot of "that poor girl," and "she's obviously so sad." I pushed people away. Utter failure. I really did feel like I had found truth and understanding and light and life and freedom, but it was met with a sort of sadness and head-shaking. Some people did try. My cousin called. She wanted to hear me, to understand. But it was like I was speaking Martian. There was no way to close the gap.

But lately, with so many people sick and dying and the edges of existence beginning to fray, the gap seems more crossable. Some of the people I love are beginning to see things a little differently. And I am trying, to let go of my own disdain and anger and cockiness. And the truth is, I want to admit that I do feel connected to something greater than myself. I cringe from those words just like I cringe from being "spiritual." But I am, whether I want to admit it or not. As Maya said the other day as she held her hands in the air, "Mom, I am touching everyone in the whole world right now. All the atoms in matter are all connected so I am touching everyone."

My nonreligious friend was telling me yesterday about all these "kismet" experiences of "the universe" bringing things to her attention and making her wake up and take notice and pay attention to what is happening to her and how she is receiving. I admitted that it made me uncomfortable to hear and that I usually approach all of such experiences as explainable and having no meaning. You know, "sound and fury signifying nothing."

But I tried to stay open. And I admitted that I think that I am missing all of my moments like that because I am so quick to eradicate any feeling of connection. I have been so afraid that absorbing those moments would mean I was falling back into the snare of religion and the opiate of belief. But then, I am missing it, whatever it is that causes those absurd coincidences and unlikely events. I am missing out on the chance to feel that, whether or not it is personal or just an unfeeling universe, I am connected to something greater just because I am HERE. And I am pushing the gap wider between me and those who believe in something specific and motivated.

But life is too fucking short for that.

I think it's time I "suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune" and put down my arms against the sea of troubles. Because I cannot end them. As Maya said, "There is no such thing as tomorrow." There is only now. There is only connecting. There is only loving each other. And there is no time to waste in doing so.

God may be away on business, but all the things that I loved about a god, the love and grace and peace and forgiveness, the community and contemplative time, they're not gone. And I am here. And so are you. And that's outrageously amazing. With my arms raised, I am hugging you right now. We are connected. And I see that it is good. And now I am going to rest.

Friday, February 6, 2015

I Scream, You Scream

I scream, you scream, we all scream for understanding

My eye hurts
Maya has a fever
Dave died on Monday
Corey was murdered two weeks ago
Eddy died in December
Wilson may go to jail
Patrick is gone
But my eye hurts
And that's the most occupying thought in my head right now
And Maya is sick
And I missed the field trip
And people I love are in crisis
And my freaking eye hurts with every single stinking blink
And my tea is cold
But it's warm inside
And I'm going to just watch a movie with Maya
Maybe I'll make us fresh, hot tea
But there is a heartbeat under everything
Boom, my friend is hurting
Boom, Denise is in pain
Boom, Betsy will be alone
Boom, Alex needs his dad
Boom, Carole is still hurting
Boom, why
Boom, because
Boom, no rhyme
Boom, no reason
But twenty degrees and my cold breath as I step outside
And the sky
And the billions of stars
And the expanse of the universe
A candle is burning
The scent is seeking balance
Maya's handheld microscope and little ice crystals
A lovely note from my sister
A great book
Boom, Love
Boom, Grace
Boom, Peace
Boom, Community
Boom, Love
Boom, Love
Boom, Love

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Face Forward


Remember when you were a kid and someone told you that if you made a certain horrible face too many times it would stay that way?

They were right, it turns out.

You just don’t know, when you’re young, that there is going to be this moment when you first notice the face in the mirror. “Oh,” you think, “Look at that. Look at those wrinkles. I’ve done that so many times that my face has LITERALLY stayed that way. So, now I’m here, at this stage. I’m in the beginning of the face-staying stage.” And you remember that you’re thirty-seven and that you are TWENTY years older than when you couldn’t believe your eighteenth birthday would ever come.

I know, blah blah blah old age and getting older and suprise-suprise it’s you too.

But it’s not the wrinkles that I’m worried about, actually. It’s the way my soul has gotten stuck from doing the same thing over and over again. Yes, I’ve grown. I’ve changed. Some. But I don’t think I’ve paid enough attention to all the little habits that make up my life...the little habits that have gotten stuck, the scaffolding of my well-being, the face of my inward self.

When I was in high school I had the greatest math teacher ever. She literally made an entire class sit on the edge of our seats while she lectured. In Advanced Math, a class of seven boys and me, we witnessed this whirlwind of passion and expression as she furiously laid out the explanation for us of the connection between pi and sine and cosine. She was madly writing, chalk dust flying, and ended with a dramatic slam of chalk in one final point. She turned around to gaping mouths and eight enlightened minds. My friend Mike said, “OH. So this is why we’ve been learning everything we’ve been learning up until now.”

But have I been memorizing the right equations? Have I been repeating the right phrases to myself? Have I been building the foundation to equip myself for this time in my life?

Because, from what I’ve borne witness to lately, this time in life requires strength, grit, health, flexibility, endurance, compassion and, above all, love. This time in life is filled with the hardest things - sickness, injury, tragedy, the pain of others you love, and loss. The older you get, the deeper you love and the more you stand to lose. The losses are deeper and wider. And everyone around you is going through them.

Have I been making the same horrible inward face of fear?
Can I replace that face with a face of love?
Can I make the same inward face of love so many times that I get stuck that way?
What qualities do I want to get stuck doing?
How can I benefit the world by memorizing the right words, practicing the right habits, strengthening the right muscles?

Because the world needs me to be healthy, strong, flexible, enduring, kind, compassionate and loving. The world does not need me to be beautiful, wealthy, busy and wasteful.


A Great Need - by Hafiz


Out
Of a great need
We are all holding hands
And climbing.
Not loving is letting go.
Listen,
The terrain around here
Is
Far too
Dangerous
For
That.

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